Mid Life Identity Crisis


This week bubba helps Steven with a crisis

Dear Bubba,

I need some help.

Recently I met someone who I really like and we have really hit it off, I think about him all the time and we message each other non-stop all day long, we have been on a couple of dates and he’s just perfect, funny, good looking and Jewish.

Though I am struggling, as I am a married man with 2 children who I love and adore, since I was a teenager I have always been attracted other men. I have only acted on it a couple of times, though never thought myself as gay. I’m now in my early 40’s and the attraction to men is getting stronger. Now, I am clear that my marriage is not fulfilling all my needs. What I really want to experience is a relationship with a man.

I know I’m being selfish but I don’t want to give up my marriage, I want both. I know I have a lot to lose as I have a loving relationship with my wife and children. I’m confused . On the one hand my heart is bursting with happiness having found this man but on the other my head is feeling the guilt and fear of what I could loose.

What should I do?

(not my real name)


Where to start?

I can see why you want some advice; some might call this a mid-life identity crisis. It sounds like you have been thinking for a long time about this. I know from speaking with other men in your situation that this can be a difficult decision to make.

It is important for you to know many men and women think the same thoughts daily.

The choice you are trying to make can be difficult, it sounds like you have much to gain and so much to lose. Our culture does not help us as we live in a society that in some communities like the Jewish community can be very conservative. Sexuality is across spectrum, though whilst weighing your options. I think you need to think what your plan B would be if your wife and family found out and it got messy, how will you deal with it?

In our modern world men can have sex with men, but that does not necessarily mean they are gay. If your thoughts and fantasies about men, are even present when you are making love to your wife, my recommendation would be that it may be time for you to see a counsellor where you can talk this through, weigh up your options and discuss your feelings.

Questioning these aspects of your identity can be overwhelming particularly when you have buried these thoughts deep down. It may take time to get used to the idea, perhaps find a friend that you can trust. Before you do anything, you need to sit down and ask yourself who you really are and what matters to you most. I know of a few men who after many years of marriage have decided that they wish to have a relationship with a man; they all say the same thing, that they wanted to be true to themselves and their family. They are happy but there was a lot of adjusting, it wasn’t plain sailing so to speak.

Personally I don’t think you can have both, my mother used to say “A man who has everything will have to give up something” At some point you will have to make a choice, your wife or this man you have met. It’s not fair on either of them.

I am not here to judge you but only to say everyone deserves respect and happiness, I am talking more about the other people in your life. Be true to them and be true to yourself, only you really know who you are.

Wherever this journey leads I hope you find happiness and peace.

Bubba Ruth

If you have a dilemma and would like bubba’s advice, you can email her at bubba@hotsaltbeefandmustard.com, she can’t reply to you personally, in between her kalooki club and watching Masterchef, she doesn’t have much time but she promises she will post her reply on Jewish News and HotSaltBeef&Mustard (such lovely boys, as she says!).

Bubba believes ‘It doesn’t matter who you love, only that you choose to love’. We love bubba’s wisdom.


About Author

Bubba, or Ruth as her family knows her, is ’70-something young’… widow. She shared 35 wonderful years with her husband Harry. Bubba has a stunning daughter, Rochelle, and is grandmother to four wonderful grandchildren (including her beautiful lesbian granddaughter, India), who gives her more "nachus than she knows what to do with", as Bubba puts it. Bubba likes nothing better than a game of Kalooki and solving the crimes on Murder She Wrote… apart from watching every re-run of Masterchef. And of course, she loves your problems, because she can solve them… or at least try to help.

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