Mending a Broken Heart

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This week bubba helps mend a broken heart

Dear Bubba,

My partner left me after 4 years and I am heartbroken.

I always thought we were happy but my partner decided to move out while I was away on business. I found a note that simply said: “I’ve been unhappy for a while and I need some space.

This was a month ago, I’ve tried calling, emailing, but none of my messages gets answered and I can’t make sense of it. My life is in pieces. I can’t talk to anyone and I don’t know what to do.

Can you help me?

C

Dear C,

I can sense that you are not in a good place and rightfully so. I mean, you were left with a note! Are you kidding me? And it’s not like your partner just popped out to buy smoked salmon and bagels!

I usually try not to take sides, however, your partner’s behaviour is unkind to say the least and insensitive and disrespectful towards your feelings. If my Harry ever did this to me…

Normally, I say if someone needs space it’s best to give it to them. Let them breathe. In your case, sadly this does not seem possible because it sounds like your partner may have some problems that he or she cannot not share with you. And that’s probably the biggest problem I see here: lack of communication and a lack of trust.

My Harry and I talked for hours and we shared everything. It was the foundation of our relationship. I’m not saying we never had fights or disagreements, but when we did, we talked them through. We never went to bed angry, even if it meant we had sit up all night to sort things out, we committed to taking care of relationship.

I think what upsets you most is the fact that you cannot find closure. When a relationship ends it is distressing: we want answers, we want to unpick every possible reason why things did not work out… and ultimately we want to mourn our loss and eventually move on. This usually entails some kind of conversation with the person we had a relationship with… but in your case you have a piece of paper… a note! And nothing else! bupkis!

Your first step is to find some peace of mind. I suggest you get in touch with one of your partner’s close friends or family to find out if he or she is still alive. At least when you know that much, you can rest your mind a little.

Then I’m going to give you the same advice I gave my daughter Rochelle who suffered through a few broken relationships before she got married: ‘Be kind to yourself.’

Start making new memories and occupy your mind and time with positive things. Do something different. Give yourself a new challenge. Meet new people. Sign up to an evening class. Rochelle can Line-Dance, speak Italian and she makes the best cup-cakes this side of Nigella Lawson’s house! It was at one of her classes that she met her husband, Martin. They still line-dance at every simcha they go to!

Start putting your life back together again. You deserve so much more than a note and a month of silence after committing to someone for 4 years.

Love,

Bubba

If you have a dilemma and would like bubba’s advice, you can email her at bubba@hotsaltbeefandmustard.com, she can’t reply to you personally, in between her kalooki club and watching Masterchef, she doesn’t have much time but she promises she will post her reply on Jewish News and HotSaltBeef&Mustard (such lovely boys, as she says!).

Bubba believes ‘It doesn’t matter who you love, only that you choose to love’. We love bubba’s wisdom.

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About Author

Bubba, or Ruth as her family knows her, is ’70-something young’… widow. She shared 35 wonderful years with her husband Harry. Bubba has a stunning daughter, Rochelle, and is grandmother to four wonderful grandchildren (including her beautiful lesbian granddaughter, India), who gives her more "nachus than she knows what to do with", as Bubba puts it. Bubba likes nothing better than a game of Kalooki and solving the crimes on Murder She Wrote… apart from watching every re-run of Masterchef. And of course, she loves your problems, because she can solve them… or at least try to help.

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